My Style

This entire outfit really revolves around these blue opaque tights from Hue. They blend perfectly into my patent leather blue Ferragamo heels. The houndstooth skirt from JCrew contains both blue and green, so I opted for a green button down shirt and finished it off with a gray sweater and a gray necklace. If you notice, the gold buttons on the sweater blend in with the golden brown color in the skirt and the gold buckle on my shoes. In my opinion, you should never be caught without a great pair of sunglasses and this pair comes from Madewell.

Cardigan: JCrew Jackie cardigan

Skirt: JCrew Ruffle Mini Skirt

Shirt: Ralph Lauren Rugby (discontinued line) but similar style here

Tights: Opaque Tights from Hue (color Eclipse)

Shoes: Patent Leather Pumps by Ferragamo

Sunglasses: Indigo Sunglasses from Madewell

My Mood

With each new drama that unfolds in our world every single hour, I find myself having so much to say but also having nothing to say. I am exhausted. Every single time I open an internet browser or walk by the TV in our lobby, I am bombarded with news articles and 24 hour commentators offering their “expert” advice and opinions on the latest happenings in our world. Each news story is rehashed repeatedly with the words or actions of the subject are dissected, put back together again and then dissected all over again until, at least, the next “breaking” news story. I have always loved learning and I crave information, but I think there is something to be said for too much information. I will say it again, I am exhausted. I don’t know about you, but there doesn’t seem to be anyplace these days where I can just have a moment of peace to be alone with my own thoughts without being bombarded with some new piece of information. Even turning off the TV and deleting the CNN app from my phone does not help since I’m always one phone call or email away from hearing a friend or family member repeat those fated words “did you hear about [pick the topic].”

Monday night I tossed and turned all night. I simply could not sleep. I felt this tightness in my chest.  I woke up with that tightness and by the time I got to work, it occurred to me that I was having an anxiety attack. I simply could not believe it. I have experienced a panic attack only one other time in my life. During my third year at my law firm, a partner was emailing me nonstop at 10:00 p.m. at night. Sitting in the office, tired from only 2 hours of sleep, and starving, something in me just snapped a little. I sent him an email that said “My chest hurts and I’m having trouble breathing. I have to go home and I won’t be back online tonight.” I ran out of my office, caught the elevator down to the parking lot and drove home gasping for air. At the time I was living with my parents (don’t knock it, you can save a ton of money), and as I walked through the door, I barely made it to the living room before I collapsed on the living room floor still gasping for air. My mother, who heard me come in, found me lying on the floor in front of the couch. She screamed for my father and brother as she helped me to the couch. I barely managed to get out the words “panic attack.” They grabbed me water, a cold compress and then my mom sat next to me and rubbed my back for what felt like an eternity. Eventually the tightness and shortness of breath subsided. I fell asleep on the couch and like a good associate, I was in the office by 8:00 a.m. the next morning. I had over 100 emails waiting for me.

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My Tuesday anxiety attack, however, was different. I no longer work at a law firm, I no longer go days without sleeping and I no longer arrive at work with 200+ emails in my inbox. I did not know what triggered this attack, but I knew that I needed to stop it. Whenever I’m in distress or feeling overwhelmed, I put my head down and pray. I pulled up a series of Bible verses on anxiety, peace and hope. I put on my favorite Whitney Houston gospel music and I just sat in my office with the door closed for an hour. As I sat there praying, reading and humming to myself, my whole body and soul began to relax. The general sense of dread I had been feeling the prior evening and all morning slowly melted away and it was replaced with peace. The anxiety attack was over. Now, I could take a moment to figure out what triggered it in the first place.

I stood up from my desk and grabbed a cup of tea. By the time I came back, I had an email waiting for me from a co-worker regarding one of the newest developments in the US news cycle. I opted not to click on the email and instead opened up a web browser so I could research a legal issue. The browser default opened to the Apartment Therapy website and the beautiful interior of a stunning apartment. I endeavored to ignore it and began researching the issue. Before I could read through the results of my search, I received a text message from my mom giving me an update on my grandparents and their health. I tried to focus on the legal research, but I noticed the tightness in my chest was starting to return. I sat down and wrote a list of all the things that were worrying me. The list contained 7 items, which can be summarized into the following categories: (i) career path, (ii) family/personal, and (iii) chaos in the world. I feel like career path and family/personal issues are the standard things we all worry about, but I have never worried about “chaos in the world” before now. And, unfortunately, yesterday, each of those “worries” were occupying an outsized amount of space in my mind.

I took another 15 minutes to say another prayer and to re-read the Bible verses I had looked at before. I calmed myself and just focused on getting through the rest of the workday. I had plans that evening and I didn’t want to miss them because of an anxiety attack. See, I was attending an event at National Geographic Society on the Science of Happiness. I was really looking forward to it as I love psychology and would, ordinarily, consider myself to be a happy person. As I listened to the various speakers talk about the happiest places in the world (and the U.S.), I took particular note of what one of the speakers said — the thing that each of the happiest places in the world have in common is that the people in these countries simply do not need to worry about much. I instantly thought about my list. I had given myself an anxiety attack because I was worrying. Worrying about the direction of my career, my search for a new apartment, my health issues and those of my family, and, of course, the general chaos going on right now in the world. And, what exactly had I earned for worrying about these things — an anxiety attack. I realized instantly that I needed to regain control over my thoughts by shifting my focus and I made a plan.

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I realized that I was bombarding my psyche with more depressing, frustrating, and exhausting information than I was feeding it with uplifting, encouraging, and inspiring information. So, rather than going home to research more apartments, I decided that I would limit my apartment touring to just 1 hour each Saturday until I found the right place and when I did tour, I would invite a friend so we could catch-up for a bit. I also decided that rather than continue to focus on what seemed like the lack of progress in my journey to shift my career path, I would spend 1 hour each evening on reaching out to my network and setting up informational interviews with people currently working in the positions I desire. With respect to my family’s health issues, I decided that rather than focusing on how hard it was to watch my parents and grandparents age and see them struggle with things that were previously so simple to them, I would focus my time and energy on just loving them; ensuring that they felt loved, appreciated, valued, and not forgotten. And, finally, I decided to spend more time consuming news that excited me and interested me, such as attending talks on happiness or reading psychology articles, the NASA website, or just scanning the feeds of my favorite photographers. In short, I made a decision to focus on the positives and not the negatives; on what I have and not what I might lose; and, for those things I can’t control, to just put my faith in God. I am at my happiest when I spend time doing these things in lieu of worrying.

Now, I won’t deny that I felt a little tightness in my chest when I started writing this post, but, by the time I reached the end of it, that tightness had almost completely lifted. Winning the battle of the mind is not easy…It…is…hard…and…it…takes…time. Yet, I know that I can do this. I am making the decision to worry less and celebrate more. Life is long, good, and every step of it is an adventure waiting to be had.